I hate what Christianity done to me

I hate what Christianity done to me. I hate the decisions I made while trying to become a Christian. I hate the outcome of the decisions I made while trying to become a Christian. I hate who I became in the process of becoming a good Christian girl. I hate being a Christian and all of the mental challenges that come along with being a Christian. I hate the insecurities I developed while becoming a Christian. I hate all of the insecurities I have being a Christian. I hate that I no longer know who I am now that I'm a Christian. I hate that I lost myself in the process of being a Christian. I hate that I spent lots and lots of waisted time looking for validation as a Christian. I hate that I am lost. I hate that I am lost and have to find my way back to the ambition I once had. I hate that I am lost and have to find my way back to me. I hate that I am detached from who I am. I hate that I no longer have an internal connection to myself and everything wonderful about me. I hate that I spent 2 decades looking to the external and finding something wrong with the internal. I hate that I no longer trust myself with me or my life. I hate that I am suffering with this. I hate that I have to find love within again and I hate that I hate myself as a Christian.  I hate my life as a Christian and I'm done being a Christian. 1996 might have meant something more. I heard a call but I answered wrong. I answered with what I knew / was taught and shut out the truth that was trying to come through. 19 years later, I need clarity, I'm miserable. I hate what being a Christian done to me. I hate that being a Christian blurred my understanding of who God is and has called in to question if God exists or not. I also wonder who "God" is outside of religion. I know there is a being greater and higher than I but who is it? Who is it as it stands alone and apart from the bible? Who is it as it relates to me?