Notice of Withdrawal and Disengagement

I hearby turn in my notice of withdrawal and disengagement.

Reasons being that I just completed a list of goals that I wanted accomplished in my life and constantly being in a state of stress wasn't on the list. It has become obvious to me that what I have to offer you continues to make your rejection list and you never want to hear what I have to say or follow the advice that I give you. Yet you continue to bring your problem and issues to me and then get mad when I don't do things the way you feel I should. Now I know that I cannot give up on you completely and I wont. But it is clear to me that you need to find your own way and figure things out on your own. You no longer have my support in this area the way things are. But if you ever want to humble yourself, recognize that maybe you are wrong at times and are a heavy contributer to how you experience your experiences, and want what I have to offer, then and only then will I begin to make deposits and engage. Let's hope by then you have things figured out. If not you run the risk of me not being there altogether. You see, today I got my freedom and now it's time to work on getting out of old habits and this constant cycle of being apart of your issues. It's time for me to live and that means moving on from people and things that no longer serve me or my goals. I'm not sorry if this inconveniences you. It just is what it is. This is taking place effective immediately.

Life Goals 4/28/2015

Some of my life gosls are to:

1. To be unhindered.
● Living my life free from self destruction and doubt.
● Being able to live out my goals fully and whole heartedly and support my love ones at the same time. / Not giving up me for them.
● To not concern myself with other people's opinions of me real or imagined to the point of non movement and seeing myself through their eyes.
● Being okay with who I am and embracing / not being ashamed of my gifts and talents.

2. To be loved.
● Tearing down the fortress of past hurts no longer allowing it to surround my life and keep me from new relationships and new loves.
● Allowing myself the opportunity to become vulnerable and seeing vulnerability as a sign of strength and not a sign of weaknesses.
● Letting love flow through me and having the experience instead of stopping it at the door, questioning it's presence.

3. Stop worrying.
● Be a true woman of faith and leaving the things I cannot control in God's hands.

4. Get and then stay focused.
● Working with the distractions I can't ignore (i.e. children & work)

5. To make money doing work I love.
● Having all of the businesses I've wanted to have over the years be up and running and providing multiple streams of income.
● To be on the New York times best seller's list.

6. To be wealthy
● In love, ~ from family and friends
● Financially
● Opportunities

7. To be debt free
● Bye bye student loans

8. To be married
● Marry the man of my dreams.
● Marry a man who wants to be married to me and we together have what it takes to live a life time and build a wonderful life together.
● To have a compatible partner.

9. To be healthy
● Physically
● Mentally
● Spirituality
● Financially
● Relationally

10. To enjoy my life guilt free and on purpose.
● Know how to relax
● Stress free

11. To be an owner snd not a renter.
● Own my home
● Own my car
● Own my time
● Own my salary.

12. Make lots and lots of money using my natural gifts and talents.

Ok that's it for now. There's more.

As I Break Ground

As I break ground, I wonder what life will be like for me. Up until now, I've only imagined what life would be like above ground. See my seed went deep into the earth, down into the darkness, where I sat, waiting, all alone. I had to love my self, push my self, encourage my self and I had to learn to be comfortable being my self. And I had to be comfortable being my self regardless of people and what they thought of me and how they would respond to me not knowing who I am and after we knew what I would grow up to be.

I don't know for sure what I am, because I haven't broke ground. I know I am growing and changing and making my way toward the light. I feel it and it makes me happy in my deepest places. It's a happiness I have never experienced before and I must say that I like it. Its not easy being a seed, especially when all that I truly am, breaks through what I was and destroys everything I've ever known to be.  The growth hurts, the process is lonely (even when there are people around) and life is confusing. I knew I was going to be something wonderful but I just didn't know what. I didn't know how to answer the people who wanted to know what I was so I made stuff up.

No more. Because as the ground breaks and I increase in size and strength, my position changes from underground to aboveground every one, including myself will know what I am. My bud will speak for itself and so will my blossom. The plunge, the death and the rebirth will all be worth it. I promise.

It No Longer Matters

It's funny how you can be just a going on with and about your life doing what you do and then everything you have always known, no longer makes any sense.

An internal tornado forms and begins to swing and the winds become strong and uproot what was planted, tossing things and people so far away they cannot be recovered. Destroying things and relationships you found precious even though they were useless in your life, but you kept them because you found them pretty to behold.

With the land clear of debris, somehow the real you finds its way to the surface ready to bud, ready to grow, ready to transform, ready to be everything you was created to be, ready to blossom, ready to reproduce after your own kind, ready to transform your surroundings, ready to bring joy, not caring about being admired...ready to begin a new.

Welcome to the world, we've been waiting on you.

What If We Disagreed?

Gospel recording artist Marvin Sapp has a song that says,

"He saw the best in me, when everyone else around, could only see the worst in me...
He's mine, I am His. It doesn't matter what I did"

What if we looked at ourselves through those eyes? What if we saw the best in us, when everyone else around could only see the worst in us?

What if we disagreed with the actions of those whose only mission in life seemd to be to tear us down instead of conforming to their negative attitude and bad behavior?

What if we disagreed?

What if we disagreed?

What.    If.     We.     Disagreed.

What if we didn't accept what they did or said?

What if we got to know ourselves and formed our own opinion about us?

What if we removed the conditions of our love?

(I can only love myself if...
But if those things are not happening, I'm going to think bad things about me, say bad things to me, do bad things to me and allow others to do the same.)

What if we treated ourselves like we deserve a chance in life?

What if...?

What if we gave ourselves credit for the things we know and the skills we have?

What if...?

What if we decided that today was a new day and a great day for a new beginning?

What it?

It's Misplaced!

I woke up this morning thinking about the life of my teenage son wishing he had certain qualities and abilities to be super successful in the areas I feel really matters and counts. As I was about to pray for him, it dawned on me that all of those things were there, they were just misplaced. He, just like all of us, have everything we need in our possession to survive, be successful and have the life the depths of our souls long and cry out for. It's there but like him, some of us never meet that part of us because we are so worried about not having "it" we don't bother to look for "it". "It" is always something someone else has but never us.

Like some teenagers, we are surrounded by constant noise, restlessness, impulsiveness and fear. We are afraid of being different, not fitting in, not being accepted and failing in our temporary relationships with people we may not know beyond high school or in our case as adults, seasonal people. To please and impress (others) becomes more important than to fulfill (our purpose in life) and become (everything we want to be).

Yes we all have unique traits, the special effects that makes us who we are apart from everyone else but we also have although slightly different, 1 nose, 1 mouth, 2 ears and all of the things that makes us human. I find it hard to believe that our creator would give us matching every  thing else except our ability to succeed. Whether you want to believe it or not, you are a success. You are succeeding right now, right where you are. Whether you like it (your area of success) or not.

I am a firm believer that what you focus on grows and becomes abundant. Do an inventory of your life and notice where you are placing all of your thoughts and physical efforts. If you like the success you have produced, don't change a thing. If you don't like the success you have produced, your decision to change lies there.  Think about the life you want to live and focus on that, you will get what you need to get there. Don't take my word for it, try it for yourself. The only thing you have to lose is that which you want to lose anyway, right?

Strange Direction

I'm checking out my new position and I'm checking out my change and I'm telling you that God has a way of doing things that are so awesome and so amazing and so creative that I marvel at myself and where I came from and where I am. It may not look like much to you but I know...

I remember praying for my finances sitting in front of the church I grew up at one night after choir rehearsal and I remember hearing God tell me to leave that church. At the time I thought it was a strange direction but by faith, I did it. When I started visiting, I learned that God had a plan for me and that I had a purpose. It was amazing and I have been able to connect many dots from that one moment in time. I have spent many uncomfortable days and so have the people close to me because we don't understand what's going on all of the time. Some think I'm crazy and leave me alone, others think I'm misguided and foolish and try to set me straight, there are some who respect my process and go as I go and then there are others who only look at my exterior and don't see much to behold and they don't waste their time with me.

I'm glad I listened. Sometimes a change in environment is the only thing you need to change your life.

Let Me Hear It!

I wanna hear some success stories. Especially from people who have been dismissed, wrote off, mistreated and gave up on because folks, including you, couldn't see the work God was doing in your life. Tell me how He brought you and what you did to bring yourself along to where you are now. It's testimony time.

The Hardest Thing

I think one of the hardest things to do in this world is be a parent of a child who's agenda is totally different than yours.

You've lived more than a decade or two before they were conceived and seen a lot of rich life lessons born between the battle of victory and defeat. Started by insecurities aware and unaware. The lessons you've taught because you have attended and graduated and gone back for a graduates degree in hard life. To say son, I'm looking at this in you or daughter here's what I know...only to have them respond to you with their eyes rolled and their breath expressed as if you were born the day they were and only know as much as they do. Except they know more. What a defeat. You try, you teach and you make sure they are educated enough to not travel down that road...and then they do. What's left for us to do but check our own ego. 

Some times, you have to deal with other people's sh*t.

Some times, you have to deal with other people's sh*t.

A few months ago, I worked in a small office with a few people and had the luxury of being able to use the restroom by myself. My work surroundings went from 10 people in an office with two single toilet restrooms to over 1,000 people in an office with multi stalled restrooms. So far, I have had two encounters that brought me to this conclusion, some times, you have to deal with other people's sh*t.

There's no way around it.

Especially when it's presence is coming in on you and surrounding your very being and you have no where else to go. Your reactions can make or break the moment. But how do you react without bringing offense to the other person? Or denying yourself the need to respond in a way that reflects how you really feel? Especially when their intentions were not to offend in any way. Life is happening to them just like it's happening to you and chances are, they are probably a little embarrassed.

I'll admit that sometimes it's hard to get along with someone who's sh*t is surrounding me and causing offense to me. But it's not impossible.  I suppose we can strive to be that tiny can of personal order eliminating fragrance and spray the air, hoping it will put things back in proper order. We can also not take what's going on with them personal and hope the goodness we make conscious efforts to provide would be strong enough to change the environment we are currently trapped in. If it's not, we run the risk of blending in or being defeated and sickened by what we endure.